Someone Please Tell Me What To Do With My Life

Greatness is born through strife. Be all you can be. That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Love is a battlefield.

BUT

Just be happy. Life is about the journey. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

So which is it? Should I push myself to be the next Bill Gates, or should I slow down and smell the flowers? Is life about leaving your mark on history, or just the bare necessities?

This question genuinely perplexes me. I'm a pretty happy person. I have a job, a boyfriend, a place to live...I'm pretty freaking satisfied, and could see myself living quite contently as a regular person.

Then there's the part of me that knows I could be great. Not just great - amazing. I used to have a passion for acting, and when I was 10 years old I decided that no matter what it took, I would act, and I would be the best at it. Not content with wherever I happened to end up in the acting world, but the best.

I've since lost my verve for acting, but I have other passions. Writing, for one. I've also settled into a comfortable life. So I guess the question stands - "Is comfortable the goal, or the enemy?"

It's a pretty big question, so let's look at which course brings the greatest quantity of satisfaction:

The Path to Struggle City: always be hungry, never be complacent, achieve, achieve, achieve. Happiness is derived from succeeding and/or being better than your peers. This could happen on a daily basis, or a once in a lifetime basis. At the end of your life you can look back with pride and say "Look what I accomplished!" or at least "Look what I tried to accomplish!" You could become a leader, pioneer, or expert in your field, changing the course of history for all time.

The Path to Cuddle City: relax, savor the little things, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Happiness is derived from what you do everyday naturally, although if you don't like your everyday life then that could be difficult. At the end of your life you can look back with satisfaction and say "Look at all the little moments I was happy, weren't they great!" You could become well-loved by friends, family, and your community.

Pretty evenly divided, don't you think? Most of the time, it comes down to personal preference and circumstance. Some people are born to compete. Some people are born to hate competition and instead invite everyone to their house for some brewskis. The tricky part is if you are a person who has become comfortable with their situation, but who wonders if there's more, and if it's worth going after. Movies tell you "go after it!" and therapists tell you "be happy with what you have!"

This isn't a question I will be able to answer this very minute. I think it takes more life experience, more trials and errors, to decide what you really want in life. Hell, there's probably another option that I haven't even considered yet. But it's important to think about because it affects my everyday choices now: do I write, or watch TV? Do I have drinks with this person, or hang out with my boyfriend?

Perhaps it is by savoring all the little things that I can become a pioneer, a leader in my field...

...nah, that's just crazy talk.

That's it, I'm naming my child Luna

Whether it's a boy or a girl.

Ok, probably only if it's a girl. For a girl to have a bi-sexual name (Sam, Alex, Chris) is cute, but for a boy to have a girl's name (Alice, Lucy, Snowflake) not so much.

And yes, this child would be named directly after Luna Lovegood, the blonde, dreamy-minded girl from the Harry Potter series. Why? Because she embodies all the traits I would like my future daughter to have:

1. She is really nice.

She doesn't say a mean word about anyone, but rather empathizes immediately with people when they're hurt or upset (when Harry's nose is smashed by Draco in book 6)

2. She's not afraid of what other people think.

Obviously. Radish earrings. Plimpies. Holding strong beliefs while not shitting on other people's thoughts is a virtue. I would, however, want my daughter to be a little bit better informed.

3. Her last name is "Lovegood" for a reason.

JK Rowling is not exactly subtle with her name choices (Expecto Patronum...) so when she names a character "Love + Good" they're obviously going to be awesome. Luna is incorruptible, well-meaning, and sweet to a fault. After her imprisonment in the dungeon of Malfoy Manor she's not bitter or hateful, just happy to see her friends.

4. My daughter will have blonde hair.

Not likely, since my hair is of the dark chocolate variety, but here's to hoping there's a blonde recessive gene in me somewhere.

5. She's a Harry Potter character.

Um, hello? Best books ever? When little Luna Zyck grows up she can proudly tell all her friends that she's named after an awesome character from a game-changing, and life-changing, book series and that her mother is an uber-dork. And because she's Luna she'll walk away proudly.

Photo credit: http://www.biliousworks.com/gallery/html/body_fanart_4.html

For Love or Money?

As an unpublished, unhired, before-you-were-a-twinkle-in-your-dad's-eye kind of writer, I have the freedom to write pretty much whatever I want. No pesky studios knocking on my door demanding my newest draft of SQUIDWOMAN III: SEX TENTACLES and no pressure to deliver a stunning sequel to my indie love hit TO DELILAH. So yeah. You could say that outside of my 11 hour work day, I'm free to write whatever I want. Wooo!

Here's the question: since I am creatively uninhibited by any pre-existing contract, do I anticipate the emergence of the SQUIDWOMAN series and write an exhilarating third part, which would obviously trump the disappointing sequel, or do I try to find the one idea that's never been written about lurking deep within my soul as an expression of my true creativity? (That last sentence wasn't supposed to make sense.) In other words, do I go commercial, or write what my soul tells me to?

For those of you not in The Industry, here's a quick rundown of commercial films vs. from the soul films:

Commercial:

Big budget

Fits a genre - "Action" or "RomCom"

Has a big star

Examples: Rocky, Saving Private Ryan, Arthur

From the Soul:

Independently financed/produced

Probably about someone's "journey"

Has established actors "showing their chops" or young unknowns trying to be the new "indie it girl/guy"

Example: The Squid and the Whale, Garden State, Precious

My first impression is that no one is going to make my script into a movie anyways, so why don't I just write something unique, from my life? A story about someone who has two cats who cuddle together and it's soooo cute...a story about someone who has a mom and a dad...Ok, well maybe not something from my life. Maybe, since the sky's the limit, I should write the idea that's never been written:

Ok, so what? So I don't have the perfect idea. Does that mean I should sacrifice my artistic ideals to manufacture a proven, formulaic script that doesn't break any ground?

YES! Yes it does. You see, as I outlined in the first sentence of this post, I am a new writer, which means I'm learning. And how do people learn? By copying the classics! You imitate the masters' brush strokes and signature moves in an effort to recreate one of their magnum opuses. If someone has nothing to compare your work to, it's harder for them to tell that it's good. However if you can do a perfect rendition of a classic, say the Hammertime dance, people will shut up and listen.

But doesn't this stifle creativity, you ask? NO! No it doesn't. The creativity comes from making an old hooker look like Megan Fox: taking a tried and true storyline and making it feel like a fresh, though recognizable, Hollywood movie. That's the challenge! To do what everyone has done before you, but better!

That's my advice to myself, which I could have just told myself in private but instead chose to write about on a blog, because nowadays all thinking must occur on the internet. I'm currently writing a romcom, a father/son dramedy and an animated thriller - all commercial enough to be recognizable but with my own voice shining through. And yes, this is just an excuse to use a picture of Megan Fox. Traffic is really going to pick up around here now!

Growing Pains (Me)

I have a tendency to state things that to other people seem obvious, like "There are so many ants in the world! Think about it." I stand by these statements because even though everyone can generally accept that there are a lot of ants, when you think about the odds that one ant would even exist in all this random carbon bonding, and the odds that I am sentient enough to recognize that the number of ants in the world is astounding, it becomes less of an obvious statement. So bear with me.

I remember thinking at age 15 that I had arrived, that I was the person I would always be. I thought I was damn funny, and smart, and had it all figured out. Now at 22, I recognize how much I'm changing, and how I have the potential to change. It's alarming how much my eyes have opened (I mark this awakening since the beginning of college, go figure) and it's even more alarming as to what my eyes have begun to see.

Let's talk about work. I've been in school for the last 16 years. I know what a long day is, I know what it is to skip a meal because I'm so busy. But work? Work is having a similar task every day, for most of the day, for most of your life. Every day? That sucks. And most people work in the same place. Every day. They leave right after breakfast and come home right before dinner. I'm wrapping my mind around this. This means that they only get to see their significant other and their kids and their friends after dinner. Why do you marry someone if you only get to see them a quarter of the day? How can you get to know your kids if you come home, ask them "How was school?" they say "Fine" and then go do their homework? How is that satisfying?

And another thing. Money. Everyone tells you, "Do what you love and love what you do." But what if the job you love doesn't pay? What if you want to paint portraits of blind children? That certainly doesn't pay. But you need money to be comfortable, to make sure your house is properly outfitted, to provide transportation for yourself. I'm talking rudimentary things that make people happy, not iPads and Range Rovers. You need money, everyone does. So why are we encouraged to do jobs that don't pay for the basic necessities? Why isn't the mantra, "Suck it up, it's worth the money?"

So as I prepare to graduate college, I'm looking at spending most of my day possibly doing something I don't like in order to gain money so that I can live comfortably and happily with people I get to see in the evenings. I never thought about it this way.

And you're murmuring the solution to yourself right now - "Not every job sucks, and life doesn't just start when you're at home. You can enjoy yourself perfectly well at work, it's not a big deal." - you're probably right. The stars could align and I could get the perfect job for me and be contented every hour of my day. But the truth is that adult life is about learning to deal with being unhappy part-time. Unhappy.

So I'm thankful for the interviews I have right now, and I'm excited when I put on my little gray skirt suit. But the newness is going to wear off, and the money will start to not be enough, and then what?

A New Awareness

This past semester, my second-to-last in my undergraduate career, I took several classes on writing for television. I examined writing for sketch and late night shows, sitcoms, and hour-long dramas, which is practically the whole gambit if you exclude reality shows, which I do for numerous reasons.

Anyways, I was immersed in television writing, and I found that I really liked it. It's not just the steady paycheck, the camaraderie, the almost reasonable hours that my

teachers described. It's the idea that your characters live for months or years. We all know about Oedipus or Hamlet, but they have confined stories. We watch them for two hours, but that's the extent of their existence. And sure, Luke Skywalker or Marty McFly have maybe eight hours of existence, but that's as much as any feature character gets! But how long has Michael Scott been around? I've personally watched him for five and a half years.

So if I am blessed with the opportunity to write for television, I could really get to know these people, watch them deal with the hard times and celebrate the good times.

TV is often scoffed at. I've heard rocks stars, teachers, even my friends talk about how we shouldn't watch TV. "It rots your brain," I've heard. Yet movies are two hours well spent? I used to be one of those people who felt good about themselves because they

didn't watch any TV, but after the past four months I've realized it's the most current,

applicable, personal medium out there. TV can address current issues. Have you ever watched the West Wing episode that came out after 9/11? It discussed all the things I was trying mull over in my head at the time, and acknowledged the presence of some difficult questions in our world. People can turn on a TV and laugh as a sitcom family struggles through the same tough times. It's relevant to them.

I'm not advocating that everyone should have a TV set and watch three hours a day. Far from it. I acknowledge that there's a lot of inferior quality programming on TV, and kids should still play outside and everyone should still eat dinner at the table as a family. But for myself, I have come to appreciate a medium that I had previously not considered artistic or important, and I think I would be damn lucky to have a hand in making it.

The Bearhouse Effect

"Pteradactyl," comprised of Mike Lee, Yusuke Watanabe, Meredith Upchurch, and myself, set out to create a project that blended expertly our four varying artistic specialties. We had Mike the photographer, Yusuke the musician, Meredith the production kid/ editor, and me the writer. We arrived at the idea of a series of photographs, mimicking stop action, that could be edited with music and based on a story.

I found my part in the assignment to be fairly enjoyable. I had very few limitations of what I could write, aside from the fact that we wanted to use as few real actors as possible, so one afternoon I hunkered down on my bed and looked around me. I had suggested my teddy bear as the subject because he's very cute and has a lot of character for a stuffed animal. In my imagination, Teddy started doing my laundry. Then he tired of that, and picked up a book. Kurt Vonnegut. Teddy longed for connection, for distraction during the long hours that I was away from him. Something catches his eye then, something sparkly thrown from above. A new friend perhaps? Someone to share the long days with? The story grew from there. My own contribution was both the first step and the through -line for the piece. We couldn't start working on the project without a script that told the story, and as production moved on we had to make sure the story was being told. When Mike was taking his photos, or Yusuke writing his music, or especially Meredith editing the clip, they all had to remind themselves of the original intent of the script and the character of Teddy. My work was not the flashiest part of the collaboration, but I might call it the starting point or backbone. I was particularly pleased to see something I wrote being brought into a visual form. I don't have the skills or tools to create my own visual art, so it is a really exciting experience for me to see what my fellow artists were capable of creating. We did not set out with the fine ideals of creating the ultimate artistic statement, but we did collaborate fully to produce a short, enjoyable presentation, and I could not have asked for more.

Artist's Statement

We don’t understand shit. Life doesn’t come with a making-of DVD, with your friends and acquaintances explaining their characters and motives. My plays don’t explain life, because nothing can. What would the answer be anyway? But when we go to the theatre, we feel like we “get” something new. We always knew friendship was a good thing, but after a show we feel it. We feel the depths of human despair and desperation, as well as the pinnacles of virtue and love. In everyday life, we forget to feel and to think a lot. We just do, do, do, action, action, action, now, now, now. My plays are a reminder to STOP doing and LIVE. I write an amalgamation of my interactions with people, thoughts about love, and attempts to map the motivations of the intricately simple human race. Idealistic and overly romantic, I write happy endings because I don’t have the heart to remind people of the truth. Life lessons are not learned from watching theatre. I’m not trying to change anyone’s life or make them a better person. I remind them that there’s a lot going on in their lives, and outside of their lives, and if they’re closed off from it they’re missing out. I write about the connections we make with people, animals, places, and events, because that's what I think life is about. I write things that never happen to people and things that happen all the time. The things that never happen inspire people to live outside the comfort of what they already know. The things that happen all the time are a sign that other people are having the same experiences as them. A great teacher told me once that we go to theatre to feel connected, to feel the pain and joy that other people have felt and know that it’s our pain and joy too. This connection is the only antidote to hatred, prejudice and war, and so I crave to experience it and to write it. Most importantly, I write because I don't want to live in a world without art, especially theatre. I've felt the wonder, the inspiration, the awe of experiencing art and I know it's what makes our species special. My writings are my way of contributing to what makes us human: our ability to appreciate and internalize the world around us.